The One I Wish I Could Skip
Because I Had to Live It
Last week, we began to look at the ways Yeshua expanded on the Torah in his Sermon on the Mount. There, we learned that it’s not enough simply to avoid murdering others. We must also learn to pay attention to our anger and turn away from the harmful words and actions it can lead to. But that’s not the only inner attitude we need to pay attention to!
This week, we look at what Yeshua had to say about another of the Ten Commandments: You shall not commit adultery.
He even stretches this one into deeper territory where he teaches about the dangers of divorce as well. With his words, he was stepping on some big toes in his own day, and he certainly does so in our current culture. For while the divorce rate has actually decreased in the U.S. over the last ten years, it still hovers around 50%. That’s a lot of toes!
And one of them is mine.
Rather than using up space here, I invite you to click on this link to read the passage to which I am referring: Matthew 5:27-32.
It helps to remember that the biblical culture was even more patriarchal than our own (though there are factions in the Church trying hard to return us to those “good old days”!). In the days of the Old Testament scriptures and in Yeshua’s day, the culture considered women to be like property—first of their fathers and then of their husbands. A man who committed adultery was rarely shamed for his actions, while the woman—married or single—was both blamed and shamed.
Likewise, women were not allowed to pursue divorce while men could, at the drop of a hat, send a wife packing. Such abandoned wives were forced either to return to their father’s home (if he would take her back) or find another way to survive, usually either by marrying a man who was willing to accept used property or through prostitution.
In other words, her situation was dire. And it was into this situation that Yeshua spoke.
Since I’ve already said that I have lived this scenario, allow me some personal sharing.
I married at the ripe old age of 28. By that point, friends and family were looking at me askance (click HERE for a definition of askance—a word I love because of the way it sounds). This was because I had failed to live into the storyline of a successful woman of my generation and culture. I had failed to snag me a husband.
Having grown tired of bearing that particular burden of shame, I basically married the first man who said he loved me (which, by the way, he didn’t, as was confirmed by two separate lawyers who were appalled by the separation agreement I had so trustingly signed).
Five years into an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage, I was given my eviction notice. I had barely cleared my belongings out of his house when he moved his mistress in.
This was a classic case of lust becoming adultery becoming divorce. And it hurt like hell.
Yes, our marriage was unhealthy and, I now believe, needed to end in divorce. However, how it ended added exponentially to the pain.
Adultery is a betrayal. It is the opposite of right relationship, which is the foundation of God’s kin-dom.
Adultery can never be excused. I feel the need to say that because it is so easy to convince ourselves that it can be excused. I’ve heard people say, “God wants me to be happy, and this person makes me happy” when explaining away their adulterous relationships. They forget that God also wants their spouses to be happy, and adultery will steal that happiness along with other things like trust, security, and cherished dreams of the future.
It is because we are so susceptible to deceiving ourselves in this matter that Yeshua strongly warns us against the lustful look. Lust objectifies the other person. When we see someone through the lens of lust, we look upon them as potential property—something (not someone) who will pleasure us.
Using hyperbole (you can look that word up HERE), Yeshua says that we would be better off ripping out our offending eye than to allow lust to rule in our hearts. Lust destroys the right relationships into which God invites us. When we are ruled by lust, we dehumanize the other—both the one we lust after and the one we betray by that lust. Lust truly is an egregious sin.
I believe I’ve made my case against lust, so what about divorce? Is divorce always unacceptable? I’ve already said that I now believe that my marriage needed to end in divorce. It was creating in me deep wounds, wounds that continue to haunt me today though God has healed me in wonderful ways.
As I’ve already pointed out, in Yeshua’s day, divorce put a woman in dire, perhaps even deadly, situations. While that may still be true in some situations today, it is more likely now that marriage might put women—and men—in dire and even deadly situations. I do not believe it is God’s will for anyone to stay in such a harmful relationship.
Thomas Long, well-known preacher and professor of preaching and the author of the Westminster Bible Companion commentary on Matthew, writes:
When a marriage becomes the very arena where people are destroying each other, we should ask how can the safety, nurture, and honor of the marriage partners best be preserved? This will mean viewing with compassion the people and their relationship, not merely defending the institution of marriage as such. Marriage was made for humanity, not humanity for marriage.1
Marriage is a sacred covenant and should never be entered into lightly. Divorce, while sometimes necessary, should likewise never be entered into lightly because it breaks that covenant.
My plea to anyone who is in an unhappy marriage and feeling tempted into an adulterous relationship is don’t rush into anything. Instead, try these suggestions:
First, seek marriage counseling. You may discover that healing is possible and that your marriage can become stronger and more loving with some help.
Second, remember the words of a very wise friend of mine: “The grass may be greener on the other side, but it is still just grass.”
Third, if the marriage is unhealthy and you see no other path toward healing, pursue the divorce FIRST! The new relationship can wait. It will wait if it is really based on love and not just lust.
Fourth, keep in mind that if someone cheats with you, they will probably also cheat on you. Don’t marry someone you know is a cheater, at least not without a heavy dose of pre-marital counseling.
Fifth, never underestimate the power of forgiveness. If your spouse does cheat on you and is willing to pursue marital counseling with you, don’t shut them down with an unforgiving spirit.
Finally, trust God and God’s healing power—regardless of which path you choose. My own journey has been long and sometimes difficult, but God has led me on a path that has brought me great joy and healing, and God will do the same for you.
My post-divorce path has not included a second marriage (at least, not yet!), but I believe that if that possibility had arisen/does arise with a good man, God would have blessed/will bless the union because God has already forgiven the past.
Divorce should never be the first option. It is painful even under the best of circumstances. But neither should we condemn those who choose it as the better path toward healing.
Thomas G. Long, Matthew (Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press, 1997), 60.